Newport Pagnell

It is my birthday today. I am very very old.

As if that is not bad enough I have just returned from Newport Pagnell - a stunning suburb of Milton Keynes (as if the story couldn't get any worse).

I was in Newport Pagnell on an orientation course for work. I have been in my job for nearly 3 months and have not had the opportunity to become disorientated - just disillusioned - however they still saw the need to send me to the DeVere conference centre in Newport Pagnell for two days.

As the the train approached Milton Keynes we stopped at a station called Leighton Buzzard. Honestly, should this not have rung alarm bells.

The hotel was hideous in every way, my colleague Chris having to open his window to make his room bigger, and I turned away all the meals and refused to pay. And the alarm bells that should have rung at Leighton Buzzard actually did ring at the DeVere Newport Pagnell as the incompetent chef nearly burnt down the kitchen. At the time of the alarm I was faced with the dilemma of: Do I evacuate with the rest of the hotel, or Do I continue watching the season premiere of CSI Miami. I chose CSI Miami, and really who wouldn't when faced with Horatio Caine or standing in the rain.

The course itself was inane and everything they taught us was contrary to what goes on in my job on a daily basis, they were promoting organisation in the workplace when clearly we only ever deal in guess work.

I can't even think of anything witty to write about the whole experience. Just don't ever go there. And definitely don't ever spend your birthday there.