David Thewlis is the ugliest actor in the world

It would not be an exaggeration to say that John Boyne's book 'The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas' is one of my favourites - and that is a hard list to get on to. It would be an understatement to say that the film version is just plain shit. I am often criticised by my many readers for writing overlong film reviews, so let's make this one short. This film is shit.

But in finishing like that how do I take a pot-shot at David Thewlis? I can't resist even the smallest opportunity to put the question out to the Hollywood decision makers... Why do you keep putting this ugly man in major motion pictures? Does anybody want to watch ugly people when an attractive one is surely waiting in the wings to play the role? My theatrically trained flatmate Richard could have done that part, and he's very easy on the eye - according to the citizens of Malaysia (very pretty). I could spend this entire review discussing the reasons why David Thewlis should be used to lower the sexual drive of peodophiles but I had better talk about the film.

It was shit. But was this because the book is so great and near impossible to bring to the screen. Director Mark Herman takes a book filled with subtlety and the nuances of a young boy and turns it into a broad coloured-in World War II drama that just happens to feature a young boy living in the middle of a nazi concentration camp. The book is more of a pencil sketch with every moment told from the perspective of Bruno, the 8 year old protaganist. In the book he calls Hitler 'the fury' and Auswich is 'Out With'. In the film we don't discover things like an 8 year old, and this makes it just another film set in World War II about a nazi concentration camp with a kid thrown into the mix.

Vera Farmiga as the Mother is excellent, it must have been so hard for her to look David Thewlis lovingly in the eye when I'm sure she just wanted to say: "You are even more grotesque than you looked in Basic Instinct 2" (I digress). Asa Butterfiled is just not good enough to capture Bruno and I could never engage with him because he looks just like that kid from the Omen (remake -not original). Plus in another casting calamity the kid who played Bruno's Jewish buddy looked a little bit retarded - I was cheering when they dropped the pellets.

I tried tried tried to love this film as much as the book. I am generally not a book / film comparer - I would rather treat them as seperate mediums, and would always see a film over reading the book - but this is my exception.

Read the book. Let's work together to rid the world of David Thewlis once and for all.

Unbelieveable things from Joan's mouth 1...

Flatmate Joan (yes, the one with the vibrators) does say some very interesting things on occasion. Last weekend during a routine conversation she shocked Richard and I with her viewpoint on race relations when she uttered: "It's the bad type of white people I don't like". As if this jaw dropping statement was not enough for Richard and I (both white) she then finished with: "I'd forgive it from an ethnic person". An. Ethnic. Person? Richard has gone away for a few days (coincidence - I think not).

The Year of Magical Thinking

I am sometimes very fortunate.

I have an amazing child, I have met Sharon Stone and now I have seen Vanessa Redgrave perform in a one woman play at the National Theatre.

The play is a monologue adapted from the book by Joan Didion and spans an 18 month period in the author's life in which she lost both her husband and her daughter.

I will say right now that I did not connect with the material, just as the woman at the end of my row who was coughing all the way through the performance had not connected with her doctor, or even a pharmacy brought cough suppressant.

However Redgrave grabbed me and didn't let me go for the entire 90 minutes. You may be asking how can you be pulled in by the actor and not the material. Redgrave could have been reciting the phone book and I would have been equally as entranced.

Even with a thick American accent, as we have seen her use before in Nip Tuck, her voice has that unmistakable quality that sits at the back of your throat and doesn't allow you to swallow. It is one of the most listenable voices god ever created. Calm. She has a calmness about her, and even while bestowing on us the most hysterical moments of Didion's material she still retained such incredible composure.

I liked the simplicity of the production, directed by David Hare, but it would be almost impossible to make chaos of a one woman dialogue - although I'm sure Joel Schmacher could pull it off given half the chance. The drop away cloths which symbolised the story moving forward were quite superb.

If I ever have a year of magical thinking I insist that Vanessa Redgrave delivers my monologue.
I was upset for the 'indian' woman in front of me who turned and looked at me every time I moved my foot. I do not believe that she brought into Redgrave's performance. I penalised her by moving my pink Adidas micropacer quite vigourously, and eventually it started kicking the back of her chair. I think Vanessa would have wanted it this way.

Spoken Word of the Week

You may know by now that one of my heroes is Horatio Caine, the perma-laid back lead CSI from the best of the franchise CSI:Miami.
To demonstrate why he is my idol, and to highlight his general coolness to those of you that may be missing out here are two stunning verbalities muttered by Horatio in Season 6, Episode 3...

A female District Attorney has just told Horatio that she will be trying his son as an adult for the crime of kidnapping, she is not aware that Horatio is the father.
Female District Attorney: Why do you care so much?
Horatio: I care (beat-beat-beat) because it's my jooooob.

And then it got better when Horatio and Delko were interviewing an inmate about the whereabouts of Horatio's son, who had mysteriously gone missing within the maximum security prison where he was being held with murderers and drug dealers while awaiting trial.
Horatio: If I find out that those scratches on your arm are from my son (beat-beat-beat) I will come back to this room (beat-beat-beat) and you (beat) will leave (beat) in a bagggggggg.

It doesn't get much better.

Bobblehead of the Week

To celebrate the launch of series 5 of 'The X Factor' here is a classic - the Simon Cowell. Disappointingly made of plastic, but an exceptional likeness.

Includes a voice chip which recites the classic Simon lines: "You are the most boring person I have ever met", "Words can't describe just how dull you really are", "That was totally pathetic".

As always, photo is courtesy of Sanderson Studios.

Joan and the Vibrators

I stumbled across Joan (Flatmate 2) in the lounge tonight with 2 new vibrators (the Mini Thorn & the Stubby Pool).

In the course of the conversation she then uttered the following vibrator related dialogue:

"It's quite hard".

"Oh god - oh no" (She didn't even break a sweat here).

"It's like an ice cream".

"It looks like a little sword".

"Is there one person or two involved in that".

"So they're about the same length".

"This one feels nicer than that one" (Things were getting a little hairy here for my liking - she was in the lounge after all).

Following on from this Joan then commented: "They lose their elasticity after a while" - (Aren't there exercises you do to get that back?).

And then as if things couldn't get any worse Richard (Flatmate 1) asked Joan: "You don't have a blindfold I can borrow do you?" to which Joan (looking up from the 14 page 'Guide to Bondage' booklet) replied: "I do".

Crikey - an eventful night on the couch. I have learnt even more about the usually very bookish Joan. I wonder what wikipedia would make of the evening's entertainment.

I am concerned - I am very concerned.

Bobblehead of the Week

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man - My only swaying at the midrift bobblehead. Not really a bobblehead but more of a bobble body. Could Ghostbusters 3 finally be a reality? This blog will keep you updated as information comes to hand. Photo courtesy of Sanderson Studios.